That's All Folks

Well done to Spain for winning the World Cup. It was a turgid final with the best team winning, but it probably wasn't as one-sided as a lot of the media made it out to be. At least we can rely on the BBC to to accurately portray the facts and be impartial in though. Right?

Lineker - There was only one team that was ever going to score.
Spain Shots On Target - 6
Holland Shots On Target - 5

Dixon - The goal might have come from a refereeing error, but we don't care!
Do you think you might have cared if it was England in the final? I suppose we'll never find out.

Guy Mowbray - Spain bring back the World Cup for the fist time.
How can they bring the world cup back if they've never won it before?

There is no way our comic approach to football reporting can compete with the BBC, so with this report, we bid you farewell. It's been a great world cup, probably the best since 1998 and we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. From the whole team, Gallas, Keown, Brad Spiedelhacker and Sep Blatter, we bid you farewell. 

Battle Of The Cheats

Ever since the start of World Cup 2010, we've been hoping for this contest between two of the most accomplished cheats in world football.

In the blue corner we have Mark Van Bommel. The master of the niggly foul, with special permission to break up play by hacking people down with impunity. Of course there is always the odd leg-breaker challenge thrown in to mix things up.

In the red corner we have Serigo Busquets. Play-actor extraordinare. The man who spends more time on the ground than standing up. Get within a metre of him if you dare.


This should be quite a contest.

Vuvuzelas Not Annoying Enough

Now that the football world has got used to vuvuzelas and no longer find them so annoying, the South African public have decided to up the ante. Bizarro has discovered that the fans are planning a surprise for the football world in the final, with a new range of annoying noise-making props. These are a few of the more surprising items we were told about.

• Crying children (buy them an an ice cream then throw it on the floor to get them started)
• An actual swarm of bees
• Hundreds of Boomboxes all playing white noise
• Celine Dion
• A small jet Engine
• A team of plumbers to work on the undersoil heating system during the match
• Joe Pesquale

Bizarro is not looking forward to this final.

Webb To Referee Final

After the kerfuffle between Arsenal and Liverpool fans about bragging rights as to how many players each team will have in the World Cup final, it emerged yesterday that Man Utd are also in the running as Howard Webb was appointed to referee the big game.

SCHEISSE!

Van Bommel - Licence To Maim

After the Holland Uruguay semi-final last night, FIFA revealed that they had given Mark Van Bommel special permission to do pretty much whatever he liked without risk of punishment. It started with a few fouls, then an attempt to break someone's leg in the build-up to the first goal, and ended with him chasing the Uruguayans around with a baseball bat for most of the second half.

He did eventually get a yellow card right at the end of the match for which he seemed surprised. "Just because we gave him a licence to maim doesn't mean he can waste time", revealed Mr Blatter.

It was later uncovered that Sergio Busquets has been given a similar licence to 'dive around like he's been shot if anyone comes within a metre of him' for tonight's semi-final, so look out for that one.

David Pleat Interview

We caught up with David Pleat this week and questioned one of England's most experienced pundits.

Bizarro - David, all of England was bitterly disappointed with the nation’s early exit from the World Cup. Where do you believe it went wrong?
Pleat - I felt England didn't have the right ingredients to make themselves heard on the big stage. They were lacking someone to pick the strings, a bit like that Israeli lad does for Liverpool. Benayoom. Benimoon. Benyiptoon…

Bizarro - Indeed. Looking now at the semi-finals what are your thoughts?

Pleat - There's a little bit of a South American touch about the Spanish and with David Villa arriving at the Spanish capital next season, Abraimovich is going to struggle to get into that side.
Bizarro - What do you think about this German side, they've added flair to their efficiency.
Pleat - I like that lad in the middle Swinelager. Although Popovski will be under the dumps after missing that penalty the other day. That’s not very German but they are still the outstanding side of the tournament so far.  And to think they are doing so well without that lad from Chelsea who got injured. What was his name?
Bizarro - Ballack?

Pleat - There’s no need to be rude!

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 3

You voted the best goal of the black and white period as Pele's against Sweden.

This means that we have our top 3 World Cup goals, one from each period of it's history. Some pretty good goals and not a bad set of players that scored them either. Here they are again.

1. Dennis Bergkamp (1990-2006)

2. Diego Maradona (1970-1986)

3 Pele (1966 and earlier)

Never Underestimate Ze Germans

The one thing that every major football tournament can guarantee, is football pundits and opposition managers underestimating Germany. They never seem to learn. Let's have a look at a few things that have been said about them during this World Cup.




Harry Redknapp - I am sure we will win anyway. Germany beat an ageing Australia side in their first game but lost to Serbia before overcoming Ghana in a pretty even final group game. I do not think it is the best German side we have seen, that is for sure, and I do not see why we cannot beat them. I am pretty confident.
Graham Taylor - It is Germany next, but so what?
Alan Hansen - The Germans are contenders themselves but they have been inconsistent so far in South Africa too and they are certainly beatable. In terms of the squad they have got, England should reach the semi-finals at least now.
Alan Shearer - The Germans are an ordinary side.
Steven Gerrard - We can match anyone
Sven Goran Eriksson - I think they can beat Germany.
Maradona - A different game is played every match and this is going to be different because we are coming out to attack them and play in their faces. This is what has made them nervous.

You can see why all these people get paid the big bucks to offer their opinions in the football world.

Dutch Glee

The Dutch were in high spirits after making the World Cup Semi-Final for the first time since 1998. We caught up with Dirk Kuyt to get his reaction.

BWC - So the celebrations must have been amazing last night. Not many teams come from behind to beat Brazil.
Kuyt - Yes, it was a good win, but we didn't celebrate much. Arjen is still upset with me for not giving back his Glee Box set. I lent it to Wesley without asking him, and Wesley's gone and lost it. How did I know that would happen?
BWC - Yeah, Robin Van Persie told us something about this a few days ago...
Kuyt - Don't talk to me about him. He thinks he's above everyone now that he's the Dance Dance Revolution champion. I mean he's a good dancer, but there's no need to have his head in the clouds.
BWC - So it sounds like there is some discord in the Dutch camp...?
Kuyt - I should say so. Arjen took Nigel and Johnny to watch the new Hannah Montana film at the cinema and din't invite us along. What's that about? They know I love Hannah Montana. That's just plain mean. So that's why Wesley and me have come up with our own goal celebration. That will show them all!
BWC - I see. Well this puts it all in perspective. The victory over Brazil is even more impressive when you consider that all of this was going on in the background.

Sven's Back!

Using our wide network of sources at the World Cup, we've obtained a transcript of what went on at half time in the Ivory Coast dressing during their match against North Korea.

Drogba - Ok boys. We're 2-0 up, but we need at least 8 goals and hope that Brazil do us a favour. We need to really go for it in the second half.

Sven - Woah there Didier. Lets not get too hasty. The important thing is to keep it tight at the back, and the chances will eventually come.

Drogba - But we need goals!?

Sven - We can't risk letting one in. Eboue, you're making too many forward runs. I need you to sit back and protect the defence.

Eboue - But...

Sven - And Yaya, stop shooting. It means we lose possession. Just go for the easy sideways or backwards pass.

Drogba - So how exactly are we going to get those 8 goals!

Sven - Look, I'm the manager, I know what I'm doing. Now let's get onto important matters. Didier, you're team-mates with Ashley Cole. Do you think you can introduce me to his soon-to-be ex-wife?

North Korea Celebrates Win

This report comes straight from the North Korean News Network
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Our brave boys arrived back home as heroes after emerging victorious in the World Cup Final. Footage of their 1-0 victory over Brazil was played repeatedly on the National TV channel.

Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il takes full credit for the victory. As we all know he used his invisible telephone to send instructions to the coach and also personally taught the players everything they know. It's common knowledge that our Dear Leader invented the stepover, the flip-flap and the rebona. These were later adoped as the trademark moves of Denilson, Ronaldinho and Pele respectively, but we all know where they originated from. And of course let's not forget the Jong-il turn, which was shamelessly stolen by the dastardly Johan Cruyff.

This is another imperious victory for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as we showed the world that we are the greatest nation on the planet.