Van Bommel - Licence To Maim

After the Holland Uruguay semi-final last night, FIFA revealed that they had given Mark Van Bommel special permission to do pretty much whatever he liked without risk of punishment. It started with a few fouls, then an attempt to break someone's leg in the build-up to the first goal, and ended with him chasing the Uruguayans around with a baseball bat for most of the second half.

He did eventually get a yellow card right at the end of the match for which he seemed surprised. "Just because we gave him a licence to maim doesn't mean he can waste time", revealed Mr Blatter.

It was later uncovered that Sergio Busquets has been given a similar licence to 'dive around like he's been shot if anyone comes within a metre of him' for tonight's semi-final, so look out for that one.