Kidnapped England Squad Close To Release

In another Bizarro exclusive we’ve managed to obtain news from inside the hostage camp where the original England squad is being held. Our news comes from David James, one of the few England squad members who can read and write.

"We’re being kept in a very remote village where we’re forced to catch and cook our own food. You would have thought this would have motivated Lamps to do some hunting but he just sits around waiting for everyone around him to make the tough decisions"

"This morning the group decided Rob, Joe and I should go and try catch a wild boar because we’ve got such big hands. Joe and I cornered it, and Rob needed to do was just pick it up as it stood there defenseless, but he tripped over his own feet and face-planted in a nearby bush, letting the boar escape. Some of  the boys said it wasn't his fault, but we all know it was and that I would never have let anything like that happen. Frank was pretty upset though as he was looking forward to a burger, and Wazza went off on one, swearing like a sailor for about half and hour. 


"I think this was what scared the locals into deciding to let us go. But then just as we were all lining up to be released, we noticed that JT and Ash were missing. The chief of the tribe went to look for them, and found both of them in his tent with his wife. So it looks like they're about to be executed, and I'm not sure what will happen to the rest of us. Honestly those guys can’t keep their dicks in their trousers."