Breaking News - England Squad Kidnapped

According to reports coming out of Rustenburg, it appears that the England squad was kidnapped last night whilst on a team-bonding excursion. Reports suggest that they veered into Zimbabwe and were ambushed by rebels working for a local war-lord. Some reports claim this happened because Shaun Wright-Philips lost a bet and was forced to drive, but couldn’t see over the steering wheel. Others claim that the kidnapping was instigated by the CIA to ensure the USA's safe passage to the next round. It’s unlikely that we will find out the truth behind this story for a few days, but rest assured that when we do, this blog will be the first to let you know.

After an emergency meeting at FIFA, England were urged to select a new squad, and luckily for them, Wolfsburg manager Schteve McLaren stepped forward to take control of the situation. During his tenure as England coach McLaren didn’t shock his selections but this new 23 man squad is full of surprises. Firstly McLaren somehow managed to get Manuel Almunia’s English citizenship fast-tracked, and he’s on the plane to South Africa. The other surprise selections are Martin Keown, Paul Gascoigne, Teddy Sheringham, Alan Shearer and most unexpected of all, Stewart Downing. The England squad in full reads:

Goalkeepers: Almunia (Arsenal), Kirkland (Wigan), Robinson (Blackburn Rovers)

Defenders: Shawcross (Stoke), Jagielka (Everton), Campbell (Arsenal), Keown (retired), Baines (Everton), G.Neville (Man Utd), Konchesky (Fulham)

Midfielders: Parker (West Ham), Huddlestone (Spurs), A. Johnson (Man City), Paul Gascoigne (retired), A. Young (Aston Villa), J. Pennant (Real Zaragosa), Paul Scholes (Man Utd)

Forwards: Walcott (Arsenal), Agbonlahor (Aston Villa), Shearer (retired), Sheringham (retired), Own Goal (Man Utd).