FIFA Get It Right. Again.

Sep Blatter's decision to to ignore every other sport in the world and turn his back on video technology has once again paid off at this World Cup. Here is a recap of the top 5 decisions that prove it.

1. Luis Fabiano scores without having to resort to dirty handball tricks like the despicable Thierry Henry.

2. Kaka gets sent of for daring to stand somewhere and have someone run into him. The dirty cheat.

3. England goal is disallowed for clearly not crossing the line.

4. Argentina open the scoring against Mexico. Mexico appeal for offside, but it wasn't even close.

5. Ricardo Costa is sent off for being within a metre of Capdevilla. How dare he attempt to put out one of the favourites?

So I think you will all agree that the evidence above proves that referees don't need any help from video technology.

Dutch Squad United

Unlike previous Dutch squads, the one thing this one has displayed is togetherness. The may not be playing the free-flowing football of the 1970s teams, but you don't feel they are about to implode at any second. We had a chat with Robin Van Persie to find out what was different this time.

BWC - So we hear that everything is good in the camp. There are no arguments and everyone is getting along fine.
RVP - Yeah, that's true. Well it was until I beat Arjen at Dance Dance Revolution last night. He wasn't happy and decided to take it out on poor Dirk.
BWC - What happened?
RVP - Dirk had borrowed his Glee box set and hadn't given it back, so Arjen went off on one, screaming and shouting at him. So then Dirk got upset and shouted at Rafael because he hadn't given him back the 50p Dirk had lent him to buy a packet of crisps. Rafael got in a huff about that and stormed off on his BMX.
BWC - Wow!
RVP - Yeah. So Gio tried to be a proper captain and went to chase him to calm him down, but they somehow ended up getting into a bike race around the training ground. Everyone in the camp then got split into two factions as they started betting on the outcome.
BWC - And the squad is still split in two?
RVP - Sure. We're used it. It's what we do. The important thing to remember though, is that I beat Arjen, which makes me the best dancer in the squad.

So there you have it, the new togetherness of the Dutch squad.

England Crash Out As Blatter Wins Again

We all suspected that this was one match too many for England's rag-tag team of old timers and Premier League almost men, but the nature of the defeat left a sour taste in the mouth.

England started off in usual fashion, going 2 down as Germans ripped apart the English defence, with Keown, Campbell and Neville unable to keep up with the pace. But then, inevitably, the bulldog spirit began to show through. Against all odds, Shearer scored and England began to press. When Gazza rifled in a shot from 25 yards to equalise, the controversy began. Sep Blatter waddled onto the pitch, had a word with the referee, who then disallowed the goal. He didn't give a reason.

You could see the English spirit break at this point, and it was no surprise when the Germans ran out 4-1 winners. It could have been a lot more, but at least this England team played with some pride and passion, and captured the hearts of the people in a way that the original kidnapped England team never could. In fact the official England fans organisation have since presented the Prime Minister with a petition signed by over ten million people requesting that the old England squad never be rescued.

When asked about his actions after the match, Blatter replied that he had no time to talk to the press as he was needed in Soccer City in a few hours to make sure the right team won that one too. When asked what he meant by that, he replied that we should wait and see.

Best World Cup Goal - Part 3

And finally in our attempt to find the best ever world cup goal, we have the black and white years. Not such a wide selection to pick from here, but here are the top 4.

Pele – Brazil vs Sweden 1958

Geoff Hurst – England vs West Germany 1966

Garrincha – Brazil vs Bulgaria 1966

Franz Beckenbauer – Germany vs. Switzerland

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 2

Unsuprisingly, Maradona's goal against England wins the second poll quite comfortably. I wonder why we don't see goals like that these days.

Spain Triumph

Spain celebrated yesterday when Juan Mata did this in trainging.



Apparently there was some other match too and progression into the next round, but none of the celebrations were as intense as those seen above. Well done Juan.

Italy Out!

Following the success of England's rag-tag squad of old-timers, Italy decided to try and get in on the action. Out of retirement came Vieri, Baggio, Vialli, Maldini, Donadoni, Schillaci, Baresi, and out of the tournament went Italy. 

They still had their footballing skills but it seems that with age, they had lost their ability to cheat. Gone were the niggly fouls, time-wasting, ref hounding and rough-housing of any skilful players on the opposite side. These are essential skills for any Italian team, so it was no surprise when they ended the tournament in last place, below even New Zealand.

There was even a point when Franco Baresi kicked the ball out for a throw, and didn't appeal for the throw to be given his way. How the mighty have fallen.

England's New Hero

It was always going to be a tough ask for England against Slovenia with many of the old tired legs in the squad looking ragged, and it took some desperate defending and mix of good fortune to keep the Slovenians out in the first half.

There was a delay in starting the second half as Paul Robinson (who had been so superb against the Algerians) wondered outside the stadium at half time to get some air, stumbled into a pie shop, and couldn't be pulled away. McLaren had a tough choice to make, with Chris Kirkland out injured and Manuel Almunia severely lacking confidence, Schteve turned to young Theo Walcott. A surprising choice but Ray Clemence had assured us that Walcott had shown amazing prowess in a 5-a-side match at the end of training yesterday.

The Slovenians bombarded the England goal but young Theo was coming out and claiming everything, making diving saves to his left and right, and reminding everyone of a very young and much shorter Gordon Banks.

As the game entered injury time news came through that the United States had taken the lead against Algeria so the Slovenians pressed harder not wanting to face a possible tie against Germany in the next round. They won a corner and pushed everyone but their keeper into the area. Young Theo leaped at least 3 feet into the air, plucked the ball out of the sky and in one motion rolled it out in front of himself. With an amazing burst of pace Theo was away and one on one with the Slovenia keeper, the nation's expectations resting on his tiny shoulders. Could he handle the pressure? Of course he could, it was just a game of football after all, and he calmly placed it into the corner, putting England through.

Capello Escapes!

In an astounding turn of events it appears that Fabio Capello and his assistant Franco Baldini have escaped the clutches of the evil hostage takers. We were at the press conference that Fabio gave and here is what he had to say.

"I am very 'appy because we 'av escaped but I do not understand these players. They 'av no respect. They 'av no understanding. They are not the same player I 'ad in qualification. I tell them is very easy to escape just follow my instruction, but is like I talk to idiots who don't understand simple directions."

Rumour has it that the operation was dependent on Wayne Rooney but he tripped over his own feet, got angry at himself and accidentally knocked himself out whilst in a rage. Lampard was asked to take over the lead role but nobody could find him. It was as though he had turned invisible. That was when John Terry decided to take charge of the situation only to be ignored by the rest of the squad because, frankly, they just don't like him.

The World Cup So Far In Photos

England start off in usual fashion.

Maybe they should have used this feller. Looks like he can at least hold onto a ball.

But at least things aren't as bad as with these guys.

This is the World Cup of shocks after all.

But someone forgot to tell these guys.

Or these guys.

Although the Germans missing a penalty is probably the biggest shock of the tournament so far. Maybe they shouldn't have let the Pole take it.

At least FIFA are making sure all the games are a great spectacle though by cutting down on cheating such as shirt-pulling.

And by letting the game flow and not handing out cards for innocuous challenges.

To be fair to FIFA, they're worried about much more important things. Like maintaining the integrity of their sponsors by detaining criminals such as these.

Luckily a few slipped through the net.

Although it wasn't so lucky for Spain. Apparently Casillas' blunder against the Swiss was because his girlfriend was standing behind him. Good excuse guys.

France Exclusive

With news that the French squad has been plunged into crisis with the players refusing to train and thanks to our vast number of contacts here at Bizarro, we’ve managed to obtain a transcript of the conversation that went on in the French changing room at half time in the Mexico game.

Domenech: Ok boys, I’m getting the feeling you didn’t study the horoscopes that I told you was mandatory reading before the game.
Anelka: Screw the horoscopes we have to win this game if we’re going to salvage any pride.
Domenech: I knew it was a bad idea to play a Pisces as a lone striker. I cannot coach a team that does not share the same beliefs as me and I will not give you a team talk until Nikolas apologises. 
Anelka: Ok then, I'll do the team talk. Sidney, you’re crap, I say you go off and we bring on Thierry and try to up the tempo, these Mexicans are playing with passion and pride. Franck, get your head out of your arse and do something useful, Zinedine isn’t around anymore to bail us out.
Domenech: "You will be betrayed by someone close to you." You see why I tell you to read your horoscopes? I have forseen this my friends. Nikolas you will never play under me again unless you admit that the only way to manage a football team is with a deep understanding of the moon’s earth cycle. Now draw straws to see who will come on for him.
Domenech: Hmmm Gignac, at least it’s a striker for a striker, it might have been embarrassing if I’d brought on Clichy.

England Reserves Battle To Another Draw

Expectation was high for the Algeria clash as Schteve McLaren rung the changes. With Gazza in hospital after his car crash, there looked to be a lack of creativity in the side, so it was no surprise to see Man United's Own Goal and Man City's Adam Johnson start. The most controversial decision though was dropping Manuel Almunia after his blunder and replacing him with Chris Kirkland. This backfired 30 after the kick off when Kirkland collapsed in a heap in front of his goal, with reports claiming after that he’d been chewing a piece of gum for 20 minutes and his jaw snapped.

After this setback England had their backs to the wall but thanks to some outstanding defending they managed to hold the Algerians at bay. Never has anyone seen such a brave performance from an England team. They truly made the nation proud fighting for every loose ball and putting their bodies on the line for the cause. Paul Robinson made save after save and the Algerians couldn’t break the English ranks. Our brave boys held on till the final whistle and left the field with ‘Rule Brittania’ ringing in their ears.

So England escaped the night with a valiant point doubling their total, and we can only hope to see more of the same against the Slovenians!

Best World Cup Goal - Part 2

Here is part 2 of our search for the best ever world cup goals. This time it's from World Cups 1970 to 1986. Next week, the black and white years.
1986 - Diego Maradona - Argentina vs England


1982 - Zico - Brazil vs New Zealand


1978 - Archie Gemmil - Scotland vs Holland


1974 - Paul Breitner - Germany vs Yugoslavia


1970 - Carlos Alberto - Brazil vs Italy

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 1

The Dennis Bergkamp goal is the the clearest poll winner so far. Not only was it a great goal, but it was in the last minute of a hard fought quarter final. You can see all the goals again here.

Kidnapped England Squad Close To Release

In another Bizarro exclusive we’ve managed to obtain news from inside the hostage camp where the original England squad is being held. Our news comes from David James, one of the few England squad members who can read and write.

"We’re being kept in a very remote village where we’re forced to catch and cook our own food. You would have thought this would have motivated Lamps to do some hunting but he just sits around waiting for everyone around him to make the tough decisions"

"This morning the group decided Rob, Joe and I should go and try catch a wild boar because we’ve got such big hands. Joe and I cornered it, and Rob needed to do was just pick it up as it stood there defenseless, but he tripped over his own feet and face-planted in a nearby bush, letting the boar escape. Some of  the boys said it wasn't his fault, but we all know it was and that I would never have let anything like that happen. Frank was pretty upset though as he was looking forward to a burger, and Wazza went off on one, swearing like a sailor for about half and hour. 


"I think this was what scared the locals into deciding to let us go. But then just as we were all lining up to be released, we noticed that JT and Ash were missing. The chief of the tribe went to look for them, and found both of them in his tent with his wife. So it looks like they're about to be executed, and I'm not sure what will happen to the rest of us. Honestly those guys can’t keep their dicks in their trousers."

Fabregas DNA Test Backfires

Many people felt that that Spain's defeat could have been avoided had Cesc Fabregas been available to come on and break down the stubborn Swiss defence with one of his trademark incisive passes. It emerged today however, that Fabregas was not even at the ground, having been sent away for a DNA test. We caught up with Xavi to ask why this was the case.

BWC - So why was Fabregas not available?
Xavi - We sent him to be DNA tested to prove that he has Barcelona DNA.
BWC - Could that not have waited till after the match?
Xavi - No way. This is the most important thing in my life right now. I need to prove that Cesc has Barca DNA and that Arsenal have no right to keep him from his Catalan birthright.
BWC - So paying his rather large wages and the contract he signed mean nothing?
Xavi - Not when compared with his DNA.
BWC - And it was worth losing you opening World Cup match for?
Xavi - For sure
BWC - You do realise that if Fabregas goes to Barcelona, you're the one he's most likely to replace, right?
Xavi - .....

So there you have it people. Crazy but true.

Senderos Interview

We did some catching up with the Swiss squad as they prepared to face the tournament favourites, Spain. We were lucky enough to get an interview with Fulham's new signing Phillipe Senderos, who renowned as fan of the finer arts.


BWC - Phillipe, many people have made a big deal about your inability to mark Didier Drogba in the Premier League but on Wednesday you could be up against two of the best strikers in the world in Fernando Torres and David Villa, how does that make you feel?
PS - My friend Bizarro, I am reminded of what Jean-Paul Sartre said, 'A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost,' so it is simple.
BWC - After starting your Arsenal career well, you went to Everton and have now ended up at Fulham. Has that effected your international career?
PS - Being is in itself. Being is what it is. That is also another quote from my friend Jean-Paul. I have been reading his work lately and feel inspired to play for my country.
BWC - Do you think Switzerland have a good chance of getting through such a tough group?
PS - Voltaire said 'Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her; but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game'

Powerful stuff I'm sure you'll agree, but at that point we decided to try and find someone who would talk to us about football.

Americans Misunderstand Concept Of Victory

As you all know, this blog is not the place to come to for an an accurate reporting of the facts, but that's our unique selling point. I think the New York Post is trying to muscle in on our territory with this report. Either that or they really are quite stupid...

Maradona Exclusive

It was with great surprise that we found an email from Diego Maradonna in out inbox this morning. He was supposed to send us some answers for profile piece a few days ago, but somehow managed to send us his diary instead. It makes for some interesting reading.

May 28^th – Ran over a reporter today. Not sure why everyone is making a big fuss. I am Diego and I do what I like.

June 1^st – My guys have told me I won’t be able to take any cocaine with me on the plane. What is this bullshit?

June 2^nd – Panic over. Apparently there is a plentiful supply of cocaine in South Africa. I don’t think I could cope without my special breakfast of cornflakes sprinkled with nose candy. Tasty.

June 7^th – I’m having trouble picking my best 11. Everyone is quite good. There also this annoying kid called Leo that keeps following us around. For some reason he thinks he’s going to play for the team. Poor kid is probably not all there. Maybe I’ll let him be the mascot.

June 10^th – The team keep asking me for tactical advise. I’ve told them to go out and win. What more do they want?

June 11^th – That Leo kid is really starting to piss me off. I told him to go and cleam my car and he thought it was all a big joke.

June 12^th – Victory for Argentina! Diego is a genius.

England Reserves Start With Draw

Having been unable to secure the release of the kidnapped England squad, Schteve McClaren's reserve squad had to face the USA last night with barely a week of preparation. Not many people gave them a chance, with even the normally reserved American journalist Brad Schpiedelhacker, predicting a massacre.


The Yanks started well, dominating possession, and it looked like the tired legs of Shearer, Sheringham, Keown and Campbell were not going to keep up with the pace as Donovan and Dempsey controlled the play. The inevitable USA goal came on 37 minutes when Clint Dempsey mis-kicked a shot from 40 yards out and as it dribbled towards the goal, Manuel Almunia slipped over, letting it in. Nobody seemed surprised.


McClaren's half time team-talk, however, breathed new life into the team. They came out with a lot more determination in the second half, with some neat passing and passionate closing down, but still no sign of an equaliser. Then with 10 minutes left to go, Gazza was brought on. After 80 minutes on the bench drinking Special Brew, he was ready. After he stumbled through the empty beer cans onto the pitch, it was like he had never been away.


On 90 minutes, a sloppy pass from the otherwise excellent Paul Scholes let Donovan through on goal. What happened next was quite surreal as Martin Keown jumped on his back and rode him like a horse. The referee had no choice but to award a penalty.

Donovan strode up to take it himself, only to see it saved by the outstretched hands of Almunia. The rebound was picked up by Theo Walcott who raced up the pitch and attempted a simple square pass for a Shearer tap-in. His horrendous mis-kick smashed into the head of Gazza and flew into the goal a deserved equaliser.


England 1, USA 1.


We asked many of the players what Mr McClaren had told them at half time, but nobody was able to tell us. It was almost as if they couldn't understand a word he had said. Whatever it was, the English nation thanks you Schteve.

France Update

After France's draw last night where the player looked like it was their first time playing together, we got an email from our correspondent, William Gallas.

Monsieur Bizarro, I’m afraid I have more terrible news. Despite my previous complaints, it seems that that people in our squad are still trying to sit in my seat. This is a disgrace. They should be respecting a legend of French football like me.


This time it was Malouda. He has one good season and he thinks we can sit in my seat? Connard! This was too much, so I told Monsieur Domenech that Florent had said that his horoscopes are nonsense! Of course the boss flew into a rage. There was a big fight with the two of them and in all the confusion I was able to sit in my special seat. Maybe now people will think twice about disrespecting the legend, William Gallas.


Sure, we lacked any invention or urgency against Uruguay until Florent came on for the last 10 minutes, so we only got a draw, but some things like respect are more important than football.

Best World Cup Goal - Part 1

Everyone loves goals. To get into the world cup spirit, why don't you pick your favourite from these?

We wanted to run a poll for the best world cup goal ever, but could only narrow it down to around 20 goals. So then we tried to narrow it down to post 1990 goals, but that was still too many, so the final list of 5 is our own personal favourite from each World Cup since 1990. We will do another poll later for the pre 1990 goals.

1990 - Roberto Baggio – Italy vs Czekoslovakia

1994 - Gheorghe Hagi – Romania vs Colombia

1998 - Dennis Bergkamp – Holland vs Argentina (worth watching this one with the sound on)

2002 - Fernando Torres – Spain vs Ukraine

2006 - Joe Cole – England vs Sweden

Best Celebration Results

It looks like Marco Tardelli and Roger Milla will have to share first prize on this one but spare a thought for poor old Ivan Kaviedes who went to all that trouble to take a Spiderman Mask with him, but still got no votes.

Blatter Bombshell

Sep Blatter surprised the assembled press with an announcement that the public were bored of football in its current state, which was why the World Cup was not getting enough coverage. To rectify the situation, some new rules were being put in place on the eve of the tournament.

• A cheerleading squad is now compulsory for every country.
• Multiball – An extra ball is added to the match every 10 minutes
• Bigger goals
• Timeouts for TV advertisement every time the ball goes off the pitch.
• Single men are no longer allowed inside the stadiums (or stadia if you’re a grammar geek) as they don’t promote the family image of the game.
• A World Cup will now be held every year to increase brand awareness.

Mr Blatter also mentioned the possibility of "Football On Ice" to improve market penetration in North America.

World Cup Preview

One of our partner blogs has posted a nice preview of the world cup. You can read it here.

Sven's Hit List

After the popularity of Sven's Talent Report last week, we approached Sven for some more inside information. This time he gave us a report of the top players who will be on his radar whilst in South Africa.


1. Caroline Celico (Kaka)

Positive - Very joung and very beautiful.
Negative - Happily married. Although that's never stopped me before.


2. Cheryl Cole/Tweedy (Ashley Cole)

Positive - Looks like she has split from her sexaholic husband.
Negative - Maybe she will not want another sexaholic right now


3. Eva Gonzalez (Iker Casillas)

Positive - Beauty pageant winner.
Negative - Her on/off relationship with Casillas might mean she won't come to South Africa.


4. Toni Poole (John Terry)

Positive - She wants revenge!
Negative - She married someone like John Terry.


5. Irina Shayk (Cristiano Ronaldo)

Positive - Another beauty pageant winner!
Negative - There are none!