That's All Folks

Well done to Spain for winning the World Cup. It was a turgid final with the best team winning, but it probably wasn't as one-sided as a lot of the media made it out to be. At least we can rely on the BBC to to accurately portray the facts and be impartial in though. Right?

Lineker - There was only one team that was ever going to score.
Spain Shots On Target - 6
Holland Shots On Target - 5

Dixon - The goal might have come from a refereeing error, but we don't care!
Do you think you might have cared if it was England in the final? I suppose we'll never find out.

Guy Mowbray - Spain bring back the World Cup for the fist time.
How can they bring the world cup back if they've never won it before?

There is no way our comic approach to football reporting can compete with the BBC, so with this report, we bid you farewell. It's been a great world cup, probably the best since 1998 and we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. From the whole team, Gallas, Keown, Brad Spiedelhacker and Sep Blatter, we bid you farewell. 

Battle Of The Cheats

Ever since the start of World Cup 2010, we've been hoping for this contest between two of the most accomplished cheats in world football.

In the blue corner we have Mark Van Bommel. The master of the niggly foul, with special permission to break up play by hacking people down with impunity. Of course there is always the odd leg-breaker challenge thrown in to mix things up.

In the red corner we have Serigo Busquets. Play-actor extraordinare. The man who spends more time on the ground than standing up. Get within a metre of him if you dare.


This should be quite a contest.

Vuvuzelas Not Annoying Enough

Now that the football world has got used to vuvuzelas and no longer find them so annoying, the South African public have decided to up the ante. Bizarro has discovered that the fans are planning a surprise for the football world in the final, with a new range of annoying noise-making props. These are a few of the more surprising items we were told about.

• Crying children (buy them an an ice cream then throw it on the floor to get them started)
• An actual swarm of bees
• Hundreds of Boomboxes all playing white noise
• Celine Dion
• A small jet Engine
• A team of plumbers to work on the undersoil heating system during the match
• Joe Pesquale

Bizarro is not looking forward to this final.

Webb To Referee Final

After the kerfuffle between Arsenal and Liverpool fans about bragging rights as to how many players each team will have in the World Cup final, it emerged yesterday that Man Utd are also in the running as Howard Webb was appointed to referee the big game.

SCHEISSE!

Van Bommel - Licence To Maim

After the Holland Uruguay semi-final last night, FIFA revealed that they had given Mark Van Bommel special permission to do pretty much whatever he liked without risk of punishment. It started with a few fouls, then an attempt to break someone's leg in the build-up to the first goal, and ended with him chasing the Uruguayans around with a baseball bat for most of the second half.

He did eventually get a yellow card right at the end of the match for which he seemed surprised. "Just because we gave him a licence to maim doesn't mean he can waste time", revealed Mr Blatter.

It was later uncovered that Sergio Busquets has been given a similar licence to 'dive around like he's been shot if anyone comes within a metre of him' for tonight's semi-final, so look out for that one.

David Pleat Interview

We caught up with David Pleat this week and questioned one of England's most experienced pundits.

Bizarro - David, all of England was bitterly disappointed with the nation’s early exit from the World Cup. Where do you believe it went wrong?
Pleat - I felt England didn't have the right ingredients to make themselves heard on the big stage. They were lacking someone to pick the strings, a bit like that Israeli lad does for Liverpool. Benayoom. Benimoon. Benyiptoon…

Bizarro - Indeed. Looking now at the semi-finals what are your thoughts?

Pleat - There's a little bit of a South American touch about the Spanish and with David Villa arriving at the Spanish capital next season, Abraimovich is going to struggle to get into that side.
Bizarro - What do you think about this German side, they've added flair to their efficiency.
Pleat - I like that lad in the middle Swinelager. Although Popovski will be under the dumps after missing that penalty the other day. That’s not very German but they are still the outstanding side of the tournament so far.  And to think they are doing so well without that lad from Chelsea who got injured. What was his name?
Bizarro - Ballack?

Pleat - There’s no need to be rude!

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 3

You voted the best goal of the black and white period as Pele's against Sweden.

This means that we have our top 3 World Cup goals, one from each period of it's history. Some pretty good goals and not a bad set of players that scored them either. Here they are again.

1. Dennis Bergkamp (1990-2006)

2. Diego Maradona (1970-1986)

3 Pele (1966 and earlier)

Never Underestimate Ze Germans

The one thing that every major football tournament can guarantee, is football pundits and opposition managers underestimating Germany. They never seem to learn. Let's have a look at a few things that have been said about them during this World Cup.




Harry Redknapp - I am sure we will win anyway. Germany beat an ageing Australia side in their first game but lost to Serbia before overcoming Ghana in a pretty even final group game. I do not think it is the best German side we have seen, that is for sure, and I do not see why we cannot beat them. I am pretty confident.
Graham Taylor - It is Germany next, but so what?
Alan Hansen - The Germans are contenders themselves but they have been inconsistent so far in South Africa too and they are certainly beatable. In terms of the squad they have got, England should reach the semi-finals at least now.
Alan Shearer - The Germans are an ordinary side.
Steven Gerrard - We can match anyone
Sven Goran Eriksson - I think they can beat Germany.
Maradona - A different game is played every match and this is going to be different because we are coming out to attack them and play in their faces. This is what has made them nervous.

You can see why all these people get paid the big bucks to offer their opinions in the football world.

Dutch Glee

The Dutch were in high spirits after making the World Cup Semi-Final for the first time since 1998. We caught up with Dirk Kuyt to get his reaction.

BWC - So the celebrations must have been amazing last night. Not many teams come from behind to beat Brazil.
Kuyt - Yes, it was a good win, but we didn't celebrate much. Arjen is still upset with me for not giving back his Glee Box set. I lent it to Wesley without asking him, and Wesley's gone and lost it. How did I know that would happen?
BWC - Yeah, Robin Van Persie told us something about this a few days ago...
Kuyt - Don't talk to me about him. He thinks he's above everyone now that he's the Dance Dance Revolution champion. I mean he's a good dancer, but there's no need to have his head in the clouds.
BWC - So it sounds like there is some discord in the Dutch camp...?
Kuyt - I should say so. Arjen took Nigel and Johnny to watch the new Hannah Montana film at the cinema and din't invite us along. What's that about? They know I love Hannah Montana. That's just plain mean. So that's why Wesley and me have come up with our own goal celebration. That will show them all!
BWC - I see. Well this puts it all in perspective. The victory over Brazil is even more impressive when you consider that all of this was going on in the background.

Sven's Back!

Using our wide network of sources at the World Cup, we've obtained a transcript of what went on at half time in the Ivory Coast dressing during their match against North Korea.

Drogba - Ok boys. We're 2-0 up, but we need at least 8 goals and hope that Brazil do us a favour. We need to really go for it in the second half.

Sven - Woah there Didier. Lets not get too hasty. The important thing is to keep it tight at the back, and the chances will eventually come.

Drogba - But we need goals!?

Sven - We can't risk letting one in. Eboue, you're making too many forward runs. I need you to sit back and protect the defence.

Eboue - But...

Sven - And Yaya, stop shooting. It means we lose possession. Just go for the easy sideways or backwards pass.

Drogba - So how exactly are we going to get those 8 goals!

Sven - Look, I'm the manager, I know what I'm doing. Now let's get onto important matters. Didier, you're team-mates with Ashley Cole. Do you think you can introduce me to his soon-to-be ex-wife?

North Korea Celebrates Win

This report comes straight from the North Korean News Network
-
Our brave boys arrived back home as heroes after emerging victorious in the World Cup Final. Footage of their 1-0 victory over Brazil was played repeatedly on the National TV channel.

Our Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il takes full credit for the victory. As we all know he used his invisible telephone to send instructions to the coach and also personally taught the players everything they know. It's common knowledge that our Dear Leader invented the stepover, the flip-flap and the rebona. These were later adoped as the trademark moves of Denilson, Ronaldinho and Pele respectively, but we all know where they originated from. And of course let's not forget the Jong-il turn, which was shamelessly stolen by the dastardly Johan Cruyff.

This is another imperious victory for the Democratic People's Republic of Korea as we showed the world that we are the greatest nation on the planet.

FIFA Get It Right. Again.

Sep Blatter's decision to to ignore every other sport in the world and turn his back on video technology has once again paid off at this World Cup. Here is a recap of the top 5 decisions that prove it.

1. Luis Fabiano scores without having to resort to dirty handball tricks like the despicable Thierry Henry.

2. Kaka gets sent of for daring to stand somewhere and have someone run into him. The dirty cheat.

3. England goal is disallowed for clearly not crossing the line.

4. Argentina open the scoring against Mexico. Mexico appeal for offside, but it wasn't even close.

5. Ricardo Costa is sent off for being within a metre of Capdevilla. How dare he attempt to put out one of the favourites?

So I think you will all agree that the evidence above proves that referees don't need any help from video technology.

Dutch Squad United

Unlike previous Dutch squads, the one thing this one has displayed is togetherness. The may not be playing the free-flowing football of the 1970s teams, but you don't feel they are about to implode at any second. We had a chat with Robin Van Persie to find out what was different this time.

BWC - So we hear that everything is good in the camp. There are no arguments and everyone is getting along fine.
RVP - Yeah, that's true. Well it was until I beat Arjen at Dance Dance Revolution last night. He wasn't happy and decided to take it out on poor Dirk.
BWC - What happened?
RVP - Dirk had borrowed his Glee box set and hadn't given it back, so Arjen went off on one, screaming and shouting at him. So then Dirk got upset and shouted at Rafael because he hadn't given him back the 50p Dirk had lent him to buy a packet of crisps. Rafael got in a huff about that and stormed off on his BMX.
BWC - Wow!
RVP - Yeah. So Gio tried to be a proper captain and went to chase him to calm him down, but they somehow ended up getting into a bike race around the training ground. Everyone in the camp then got split into two factions as they started betting on the outcome.
BWC - And the squad is still split in two?
RVP - Sure. We're used it. It's what we do. The important thing to remember though, is that I beat Arjen, which makes me the best dancer in the squad.

So there you have it, the new togetherness of the Dutch squad.

England Crash Out As Blatter Wins Again

We all suspected that this was one match too many for England's rag-tag team of old timers and Premier League almost men, but the nature of the defeat left a sour taste in the mouth.

England started off in usual fashion, going 2 down as Germans ripped apart the English defence, with Keown, Campbell and Neville unable to keep up with the pace. But then, inevitably, the bulldog spirit began to show through. Against all odds, Shearer scored and England began to press. When Gazza rifled in a shot from 25 yards to equalise, the controversy began. Sep Blatter waddled onto the pitch, had a word with the referee, who then disallowed the goal. He didn't give a reason.

You could see the English spirit break at this point, and it was no surprise when the Germans ran out 4-1 winners. It could have been a lot more, but at least this England team played with some pride and passion, and captured the hearts of the people in a way that the original kidnapped England team never could. In fact the official England fans organisation have since presented the Prime Minister with a petition signed by over ten million people requesting that the old England squad never be rescued.

When asked about his actions after the match, Blatter replied that he had no time to talk to the press as he was needed in Soccer City in a few hours to make sure the right team won that one too. When asked what he meant by that, he replied that we should wait and see.

Best World Cup Goal - Part 3

And finally in our attempt to find the best ever world cup goal, we have the black and white years. Not such a wide selection to pick from here, but here are the top 4.

Pele – Brazil vs Sweden 1958

Geoff Hurst – England vs West Germany 1966

Garrincha – Brazil vs Bulgaria 1966

Franz Beckenbauer – Germany vs. Switzerland

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 2

Unsuprisingly, Maradona's goal against England wins the second poll quite comfortably. I wonder why we don't see goals like that these days.

Spain Triumph

Spain celebrated yesterday when Juan Mata did this in trainging.



Apparently there was some other match too and progression into the next round, but none of the celebrations were as intense as those seen above. Well done Juan.

Italy Out!

Following the success of England's rag-tag squad of old-timers, Italy decided to try and get in on the action. Out of retirement came Vieri, Baggio, Vialli, Maldini, Donadoni, Schillaci, Baresi, and out of the tournament went Italy. 

They still had their footballing skills but it seems that with age, they had lost their ability to cheat. Gone were the niggly fouls, time-wasting, ref hounding and rough-housing of any skilful players on the opposite side. These are essential skills for any Italian team, so it was no surprise when they ended the tournament in last place, below even New Zealand.

There was even a point when Franco Baresi kicked the ball out for a throw, and didn't appeal for the throw to be given his way. How the mighty have fallen.

England's New Hero

It was always going to be a tough ask for England against Slovenia with many of the old tired legs in the squad looking ragged, and it took some desperate defending and mix of good fortune to keep the Slovenians out in the first half.

There was a delay in starting the second half as Paul Robinson (who had been so superb against the Algerians) wondered outside the stadium at half time to get some air, stumbled into a pie shop, and couldn't be pulled away. McLaren had a tough choice to make, with Chris Kirkland out injured and Manuel Almunia severely lacking confidence, Schteve turned to young Theo Walcott. A surprising choice but Ray Clemence had assured us that Walcott had shown amazing prowess in a 5-a-side match at the end of training yesterday.

The Slovenians bombarded the England goal but young Theo was coming out and claiming everything, making diving saves to his left and right, and reminding everyone of a very young and much shorter Gordon Banks.

As the game entered injury time news came through that the United States had taken the lead against Algeria so the Slovenians pressed harder not wanting to face a possible tie against Germany in the next round. They won a corner and pushed everyone but their keeper into the area. Young Theo leaped at least 3 feet into the air, plucked the ball out of the sky and in one motion rolled it out in front of himself. With an amazing burst of pace Theo was away and one on one with the Slovenia keeper, the nation's expectations resting on his tiny shoulders. Could he handle the pressure? Of course he could, it was just a game of football after all, and he calmly placed it into the corner, putting England through.

Capello Escapes!

In an astounding turn of events it appears that Fabio Capello and his assistant Franco Baldini have escaped the clutches of the evil hostage takers. We were at the press conference that Fabio gave and here is what he had to say.

"I am very 'appy because we 'av escaped but I do not understand these players. They 'av no respect. They 'av no understanding. They are not the same player I 'ad in qualification. I tell them is very easy to escape just follow my instruction, but is like I talk to idiots who don't understand simple directions."

Rumour has it that the operation was dependent on Wayne Rooney but he tripped over his own feet, got angry at himself and accidentally knocked himself out whilst in a rage. Lampard was asked to take over the lead role but nobody could find him. It was as though he had turned invisible. That was when John Terry decided to take charge of the situation only to be ignored by the rest of the squad because, frankly, they just don't like him.

The World Cup So Far In Photos

England start off in usual fashion.

Maybe they should have used this feller. Looks like he can at least hold onto a ball.

But at least things aren't as bad as with these guys.

This is the World Cup of shocks after all.

But someone forgot to tell these guys.

Or these guys.

Although the Germans missing a penalty is probably the biggest shock of the tournament so far. Maybe they shouldn't have let the Pole take it.

At least FIFA are making sure all the games are a great spectacle though by cutting down on cheating such as shirt-pulling.

And by letting the game flow and not handing out cards for innocuous challenges.

To be fair to FIFA, they're worried about much more important things. Like maintaining the integrity of their sponsors by detaining criminals such as these.

Luckily a few slipped through the net.

Although it wasn't so lucky for Spain. Apparently Casillas' blunder against the Swiss was because his girlfriend was standing behind him. Good excuse guys.

France Exclusive

With news that the French squad has been plunged into crisis with the players refusing to train and thanks to our vast number of contacts here at Bizarro, we’ve managed to obtain a transcript of the conversation that went on in the French changing room at half time in the Mexico game.

Domenech: Ok boys, I’m getting the feeling you didn’t study the horoscopes that I told you was mandatory reading before the game.
Anelka: Screw the horoscopes we have to win this game if we’re going to salvage any pride.
Domenech: I knew it was a bad idea to play a Pisces as a lone striker. I cannot coach a team that does not share the same beliefs as me and I will not give you a team talk until Nikolas apologises. 
Anelka: Ok then, I'll do the team talk. Sidney, you’re crap, I say you go off and we bring on Thierry and try to up the tempo, these Mexicans are playing with passion and pride. Franck, get your head out of your arse and do something useful, Zinedine isn’t around anymore to bail us out.
Domenech: "You will be betrayed by someone close to you." You see why I tell you to read your horoscopes? I have forseen this my friends. Nikolas you will never play under me again unless you admit that the only way to manage a football team is with a deep understanding of the moon’s earth cycle. Now draw straws to see who will come on for him.
Domenech: Hmmm Gignac, at least it’s a striker for a striker, it might have been embarrassing if I’d brought on Clichy.

England Reserves Battle To Another Draw

Expectation was high for the Algeria clash as Schteve McLaren rung the changes. With Gazza in hospital after his car crash, there looked to be a lack of creativity in the side, so it was no surprise to see Man United's Own Goal and Man City's Adam Johnson start. The most controversial decision though was dropping Manuel Almunia after his blunder and replacing him with Chris Kirkland. This backfired 30 after the kick off when Kirkland collapsed in a heap in front of his goal, with reports claiming after that he’d been chewing a piece of gum for 20 minutes and his jaw snapped.

After this setback England had their backs to the wall but thanks to some outstanding defending they managed to hold the Algerians at bay. Never has anyone seen such a brave performance from an England team. They truly made the nation proud fighting for every loose ball and putting their bodies on the line for the cause. Paul Robinson made save after save and the Algerians couldn’t break the English ranks. Our brave boys held on till the final whistle and left the field with ‘Rule Brittania’ ringing in their ears.

So England escaped the night with a valiant point doubling their total, and we can only hope to see more of the same against the Slovenians!

Best World Cup Goal - Part 2

Here is part 2 of our search for the best ever world cup goals. This time it's from World Cups 1970 to 1986. Next week, the black and white years.
1986 - Diego Maradona - Argentina vs England


1982 - Zico - Brazil vs New Zealand


1978 - Archie Gemmil - Scotland vs Holland


1974 - Paul Breitner - Germany vs Yugoslavia


1970 - Carlos Alberto - Brazil vs Italy

Poll Results - Best Goal Part 1

The Dennis Bergkamp goal is the the clearest poll winner so far. Not only was it a great goal, but it was in the last minute of a hard fought quarter final. You can see all the goals again here.

Kidnapped England Squad Close To Release

In another Bizarro exclusive we’ve managed to obtain news from inside the hostage camp where the original England squad is being held. Our news comes from David James, one of the few England squad members who can read and write.

"We’re being kept in a very remote village where we’re forced to catch and cook our own food. You would have thought this would have motivated Lamps to do some hunting but he just sits around waiting for everyone around him to make the tough decisions"

"This morning the group decided Rob, Joe and I should go and try catch a wild boar because we’ve got such big hands. Joe and I cornered it, and Rob needed to do was just pick it up as it stood there defenseless, but he tripped over his own feet and face-planted in a nearby bush, letting the boar escape. Some of  the boys said it wasn't his fault, but we all know it was and that I would never have let anything like that happen. Frank was pretty upset though as he was looking forward to a burger, and Wazza went off on one, swearing like a sailor for about half and hour. 


"I think this was what scared the locals into deciding to let us go. But then just as we were all lining up to be released, we noticed that JT and Ash were missing. The chief of the tribe went to look for them, and found both of them in his tent with his wife. So it looks like they're about to be executed, and I'm not sure what will happen to the rest of us. Honestly those guys can’t keep their dicks in their trousers."

Fabregas DNA Test Backfires

Many people felt that that Spain's defeat could have been avoided had Cesc Fabregas been available to come on and break down the stubborn Swiss defence with one of his trademark incisive passes. It emerged today however, that Fabregas was not even at the ground, having been sent away for a DNA test. We caught up with Xavi to ask why this was the case.

BWC - So why was Fabregas not available?
Xavi - We sent him to be DNA tested to prove that he has Barcelona DNA.
BWC - Could that not have waited till after the match?
Xavi - No way. This is the most important thing in my life right now. I need to prove that Cesc has Barca DNA and that Arsenal have no right to keep him from his Catalan birthright.
BWC - So paying his rather large wages and the contract he signed mean nothing?
Xavi - Not when compared with his DNA.
BWC - And it was worth losing you opening World Cup match for?
Xavi - For sure
BWC - You do realise that if Fabregas goes to Barcelona, you're the one he's most likely to replace, right?
Xavi - .....

So there you have it people. Crazy but true.

Senderos Interview

We did some catching up with the Swiss squad as they prepared to face the tournament favourites, Spain. We were lucky enough to get an interview with Fulham's new signing Phillipe Senderos, who renowned as fan of the finer arts.


BWC - Phillipe, many people have made a big deal about your inability to mark Didier Drogba in the Premier League but on Wednesday you could be up against two of the best strikers in the world in Fernando Torres and David Villa, how does that make you feel?
PS - My friend Bizarro, I am reminded of what Jean-Paul Sartre said, 'A lost battle is a battle one thinks one has lost,' so it is simple.
BWC - After starting your Arsenal career well, you went to Everton and have now ended up at Fulham. Has that effected your international career?
PS - Being is in itself. Being is what it is. That is also another quote from my friend Jean-Paul. I have been reading his work lately and feel inspired to play for my country.
BWC - Do you think Switzerland have a good chance of getting through such a tough group?
PS - Voltaire said 'Each player must accept the cards life deals him or her; but once they are in hand, he or she alone must decide how to play the cards in order to win the game'

Powerful stuff I'm sure you'll agree, but at that point we decided to try and find someone who would talk to us about football.

Americans Misunderstand Concept Of Victory

As you all know, this blog is not the place to come to for an an accurate reporting of the facts, but that's our unique selling point. I think the New York Post is trying to muscle in on our territory with this report. Either that or they really are quite stupid...

Maradona Exclusive

It was with great surprise that we found an email from Diego Maradonna in out inbox this morning. He was supposed to send us some answers for profile piece a few days ago, but somehow managed to send us his diary instead. It makes for some interesting reading.

May 28^th – Ran over a reporter today. Not sure why everyone is making a big fuss. I am Diego and I do what I like.

June 1^st – My guys have told me I won’t be able to take any cocaine with me on the plane. What is this bullshit?

June 2^nd – Panic over. Apparently there is a plentiful supply of cocaine in South Africa. I don’t think I could cope without my special breakfast of cornflakes sprinkled with nose candy. Tasty.

June 7^th – I’m having trouble picking my best 11. Everyone is quite good. There also this annoying kid called Leo that keeps following us around. For some reason he thinks he’s going to play for the team. Poor kid is probably not all there. Maybe I’ll let him be the mascot.

June 10^th – The team keep asking me for tactical advise. I’ve told them to go out and win. What more do they want?

June 11^th – That Leo kid is really starting to piss me off. I told him to go and cleam my car and he thought it was all a big joke.

June 12^th – Victory for Argentina! Diego is a genius.